Movies that could’ve been shorter if the villains had been smarter

There are a lot of times when you’re watching a movie and you get so frustrated because the villain doesn’t appear to even try to be successful.  As a result, you sit there about ready to throw a shoe through the television because their stupidity is irking straight through to your core.  I’ve watched enough movies now to rewrite certain villains to make them successful at what they do.

Taken

The whole movie could’ve turned out drastically different if the villains were smarter while they commit their crimes.  In the well-known scene from Taken when Liam Neeson says to the sex traffickers, “If you let my daughter go now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you”, there’s a long pause afterwards.  And you think that maybe that’s all that’s going to happen in that scene.  Then the bad guy stupidly says “Good luck”.

In review, this conversation is what launches the entire throat chopping fest that Liam Neeson goes on to rescue his daughter.  All the bad guy has to do throughout the abducting of Neeson’s daughter and her friend is to just shut up.  If he yelled in English, which would make the most sense since the girls would understand that, and didn’t respond to Neeson over the phone, there would’ve been no leads for Neeson to follow and then beat the shit out of everyone he comes across.  And that would’ve been that.  The daughter would’ve been sold off to that rich fat guy on the boat and she would’ve been a sex slave for the rest of her drug addicted days.  If that had happened, then the movie would’ve ended vastly different and some might even say that it would’ve been a good lesson to girls who are thinking about traveling through Europe alone.

The Hunger Games

There are multiple parts of this movie that infuriate me but I’m going to focus on one part specifically: Katniss is being chased through the woods by the Careers and then, to hide, she climbs up a tree and straps herself to a perch.  As a result, the Careers decide to set up a camp and wait for her to come down.

In review, this is the stupidest move possible.  Katniss was getting all this hype before the competition so the Careers know that she’s going to be a formidable opponent.  So, once they chase her up a tree, they choose to wait her out instead of, you know, doing something like lighting the tree on fire.  But, wait, if they do that then the smoke from the fire will draw other people the location, right?  Well, besides the fact that they lit a campfire while waiting for Katniss to come down, the could’ve lit the fire and then left the area to hide.  Odds are, if Katniss jumps out of the tree, she cripples or even kills herself.  Or she stays in the tree and burns to death.  Regardless, Katniss is dead and the Careers have one less opponent to worry about.  But, they’re stupid and end up getting their day ruined by some bees.

Every James Bond movie

I feel like this is an obvious one.  The villians are so infuriatingly stupid that it led to a twenty-two (and counting) movie franchise.  Since there’s a lot of movies to pick from, I’ll go with Goldfinger since it’s my favorite Bond film.  There is a wealth of times that Goldfinger could easily kill Bond at various points throughout the movie.  For instance:

In the very beginning, Bond makes Goldfinger lose at cards and then bangs his lookout, Jill.  Goldfinger is pretty steamed about this so he uses Oddjob to knock out Bond and then kill Jill by covering her skin in gold paint.  In hindsight, killing Bond and covering his scrotum in gold would’ve been the easiest way to avoid any issues in his planning.

Later, Bond is running through the woods with Tilly, the previously mentioned Jill’s sister, when Oddjob kills her with his razorblade hat of death.  Bond is captured when he goes back to check on her and then is brought to Goldfinger’s compound instead of being killed on the spot.  Then he ends strapped to a table with a laser beam aimed at his manly bits.  Right as it’s about to tear through Bond’s testicles, he mumbles something about Goldfinger’s secret plan, which immediately makes Goldfinger worried that Bond knows too much, and then decides to cut him free.  Goldfinger knows enough about Bond at this point to know that he is probably lying, because he’s been lying to him the entire time.  Why not just kill him and go on with your plan?

Bond escapes again after being Goldfinger’s personal guest (big surprise) and then is recaptured.  While in handcuffs, Oddjob chooses not to kill Bond with his spiraling hat of death.  Bond breaks free and repays Oddjob’s hospitality by getting him electrocuted to death.

And then, finally, on the airplane, when Goldfinger tries to shoot at Bond and then gets sucked out of the broken window hole while the cabin is depressurizing could have all been avoided if Goldfinger was smart enough to put a parachute on before hand.  Generally, shooting guns on an airplane without a parachute would be considered a stupid idea.

The Shawshank Redemption

The Sisters should’ve spent a little more time trying to romance Andy Dufresne instead of going straight to the lesser-chosen option of prison rape.  Forcibly having sex with Dufresne led to sour results for Bogs.  I’d say losing the use of your legs and not being able to eat solid foods seems to outweigh the pleasure he got from his laundry room trysts.

Also, the Warden probably should’ve been a little bit smarter with how he handled selling prison labor for huge profits, which he then hid from the IRS.  While it’s understandable that former accountant Andy Dufresne would be the most obvious man to hide dirty money, he is also a bonafide convicted murderer.  While Andy knows he’s not guilty, the Warden doesn’t.  He blindly trusts this guy to keep his books, keep them in a way that makes the money look legitimate, and not screw him over.  And that works out pretty until that bullet tears through the roof of his mouth.

In Conclusion

I realize the villains have to be stupid so there can be plot progression and the hero can eventually overcome them between an hour and half to two hours.  But a lot of the times it’s just frustrating to watch because even you know there is a better way to go about things.

And, sometimes, you have to agree, using a laser beam to cut someone in half would be pretty, super awesome.

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