Rating the 2015-2016 NHL Alternate Jerseys

[AUTHOR’S NOTE: This was written for The Broad Street Bully, a blog and podcast my friend Drew and I started based off of our mutual interest in the Philadelphia Flyers. See it on http://broadstreetbully.net.]

There’s a website that exists called http://www.nhluniforms.com. Whoever has this much time to dedicate to chronicling every NHL team jersey needs to reconsider their life.  But, this can be used to my advantage.  I saw a third jersey today that I absolutely think is great.  So, it got me thinking: which alternate jersey is the coolest?  I’ll link to the picture and then rate it on our scale of “Sheena Parveen kisses”.  Ten Sheena Parveen kisses, obviously, being a perfect score.  And one Sheena Parveen kiss being her basically farting in your mouth.  And you aren’t into that sort of thing so you’re really just grossed out and wish you didn’t have to sit through it.

Also, not every team has a third jersey, apparently.  So, those teams get zero Sheena Parveen kisses (AKA “SPVs”).

Links to every jersey and ratings after the jump.

Anaheim Ducks: Uh, all orange?  Look familiar?  At least try to make your jersey original, Anaheim.  You had a stupid name to begin with.  Your professional hockey team is named after a kid’s movie where a guy who gets a DUI influences a bunch of kids and bangs the one’s mom.  Oh, but you dropped the “mighty” part?  You’re not fooling anyone.

RATING: 4/10 SPKs

Boston Bruins: Their alternate jerseys are currently stupid.  I’m hoping their just released 2016 Winter Classic jerseys become their alternate jerseys.  Because those are awesome.

RATING: the regular alternates get 3/10 SPKs and the 2016 Winter Classic jersey gets 7/10 SPKs

Calgary Flames: Listen, you can either have the team logo or the entire name in cursive.  You don’t need both.  It’s like the Flames couldn’t make up their mind and just decided to slap a bunch of stuff on the front and hoped something works.

RATING: 5/10 SPKs 

Carolina Hurricanes: It makes sense that Carolina has a horrific alternate jersey to go along with their latest horrific seasons.  A hockey stick, some hurricane motifs, and ugly trim at the bottom.  What is good about this jersey?

RATING: 3/10 SPKs

Colorado Avalanche: This alternate jersey was the whole reason I went searching for alternate jerseys.  It is probably my new favorite alternate jersey in the league.  I don’t want to give it a perfect ten because nothing is perfect.  So.

RATING: 9/10 SPKs

Columbus Blue Jackets: For a stupid a name as Blue Jackets is at least their alternate jerseys are pretty decent.  The cannon is pretty cool, I guess.  And I think they have one that they shoot off inside the arena.  So, there’s that.  Everyone likes cannons.  Pirates, old time soldiers, and Columbus hockey fans.

RATING: 6/10 SPKs

Edmonton Oilers: This orange is worse than the Ducks’ orange.  Leave orange to the Flyers.  Also, taking the same jersey and just swapping the colors is a lame attempt at a money grab, Edmonton.  At least give them a reason to buy a new jersey every so often.

RATING: 2/10 SPKS

Minnesota Wild: Take a page out of Minnesota’s book, Calgary.  Cursive.  No logo.  No clutter.  It’s classy.  Yet sophisticated.  And their accents!  That gets them rated one higher than Calgary.

RATING: 6/10 SPKs

New York Islanders: It doesn’t have to be drastic to be good.  They went straight black and made the Y in NY a hockey stick.  It’s brilliant.  And there’s some tape on the stick.  It’s very plain but works.

RATING: 7/10 SPKs

New York Rangers: Just because you replace “Rangers” with “New York” doesn’t make these alternate jerseys any better.  They should’ve kept their shield jerseys from the last Winter Classic.  Those were great.  These current ones they’re using, not so much.

RATING: 4/10 SPKs

Ottawa Senators:  Is the word I’m looking for “throwback” or “throwup”?  Horizontal stripes are to hide the fat, right?  Or is that vertical?  Eitherway.  The colors work together but I’m just not feeling the stripes.  The giant O on the front can be mistaken for a team of zeroes and that makes me laugh so it gets a point back.

RATING: 5/10 SPKs

Philadelphia Flyers: You probably think I’m going to rate the Flyers alternate higher but I’m in the middle on them.  They just inverted some colors and added the new captain and assistant captain patches.  I also have one of these jerseys.  Still, I’m rating this just above middle of the pack.

RATING: 6/10 SPKs

Pittsburgh Penguins: It’s not because I hate the Penguins.  It’s because it’s a stupid, cartoony looking Penguin.  It’s like the Bud Ice Penguin is getting into ice hockey.  Plus, that black and yellow song forever ruining anything Pittsburgh.

RATING: 4/10 SPKs

St. Louis Blues: The alternate jerseys include the Arch.  Which is really the only thing St. Louis has going for it.  That city is god awful.  If I ever have to go back there I’ll be so disappointed.  This choice is biased.  Just because I hate the city so much.

RATING: 3/10 SPKs

San Jose Sharks: The Sharks are lucky their regular jerseys are so cool because they just basically inverted the color on the alternates.

RATING: 6/10 SPKs

Tampa Bay Lightning: They should replace “BOLTS” with “STUPID”.  Whenever they wear those alternate jerseys they should have Frankenstein as their mascot.  I know what you’re thinking.  Why would they ask Derian Hatcher to be their mascot?

RATING: 4/10 SPKs

Toronto Maple Leafs: Oh.  Right.  They made the leaf a little bit older looking.  It really doesn’t matter.  Maple Leafs fans will pay for anything related to the team.  The organization could’ve put a turd in a hockey helmet and the Maple Leafs fans would’ve been like “take my money”.

RATING: 3/10 SPKs

Vancouver Canucks: Quite an alternate jersey.  I’m giving this extra points because you can sing “stick in a box” to the Lonely Island’s “Dick in a Box”.  Otherwise, it’s dumb.

RATING: 5/10 SPKs 

Washington Capitals:  Shouldn’t it be Capitols?  Like, when they had the Capitol building on their jerseys.  I like the old time look, though, and that unnecessary row of stars really speaks to me.  And you totally got to work that hockey stick into the equation.

RATING: 6/10 SPKs

Well, that’s it.  I don’t believe there are any other alternates in the league.  And I’m pretty sure the Habs haven’t released their 2016 Winter Classic jerseys yet so this is all I can do for now.

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